Today has been a great day. I had lunch with my Daddy & that always makes for a good day! But Yesterday....Yesterday was like a quote right out of the children's book Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I could tell it was going to be a doozy and isn't that ridiculous! If I knew it was going to be a "want to run my car through a wall" kind of day then why didn't I just give it to God and let Him change my attitude. Probably because when I get in a rut I sometimes like to stay there. Stupid, I know but its true. I like to wallow in my sorrow a bit & feel sorry for myself before handing anything over to Him. Maybe I should throw a party next time, I'd call it Meagan's Party for Pity. I could send out invitations! Ones with tear drops on the front...haha. So I think I've gotten my point across. Yesterday was horrible. Now I wont go into detail because it involves others & that would sort of be bashing them & I'm not going to do that. Especially because it would be a very long story. But I will say that yesterday was a long time coming. Nothing really HORRIBLE happened on that particular day but since I was in a bad mood everything felt wrong. Just all of the emotions that I had been bottling up about a particular person exploded all at once when I found out a few things...while sitting at my desk...at work. To make matters worse the phone rang every five minutes so I had to keep composure every time it rang & every time a coworker walked by. Let me just say that I don't do well with that, the whole keeping composure thing.
All that to say that I have a trust issue.
I'm definitely not proud of it but I'm aware of it & honest about it. I have high expectations for people & especially myself. I feel crushed when people let me down & I take EVERYTHING personally. I try to fix every problem that I face. Whether its my problem or someone else's. I also wear my big fat heart on my sleeve & expect everyone to walk around it & not bump into it when its sticking out in everyones way. I cry too often & expect everyone to ignore it & not look at my tears. I'm self conscious & I have VERY low self esteem but I try & act like I'm confident. I want everyone to LIKE ME & I go way too far out of my way to make sure this happens sometimes. I hate these things about me. hate HATE hate! But they all go back to that TRUST issue.
I know exactly what I need to do, its just doing it thats the tricky part. I so often lay things at God's feet just to go right back and pick them up 5 mins later. I just desperately need to have more trust in Christ & stop trying to fix the problems myself. In Crazy Love, Francis Chan says "But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.." Thats my problem, I rely on myself so much & I make sure I can handle any situation I go through. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of holding up this front. I just want to run to His arms & cry & let Him hold me & mold me into the masterpiece that He WANTS. Because how am going to be used by Him to pour into others lives if I struggle to break away & do my own thing the entire time. That would be like a pitcher of water trying to walk away while I pour it into someone else's cup. The water would go everywhere & no one would be satisfied; the pitcher would be empty & the cup would go away thirsty for what could have been a blessing.
There has been a song on my heart for quite some time. I've mentioned it alot in my tweets & its on my playlist below. I really want to focus on the lyrics. It doesn't really have anything to do with what I've been blabbing about but it is such an amazing song & I hope that anyone that reads this sits down & truly listens to the beauty in his words. This song puts me in a good mood. It reminds me of how petty all of these little things that I worry about are & how amazing & magical & BEAUTIFUL Christ is & how amazing His creations are. I dont know if this post makes any sense but above all else, focus on His beauty & let Him mold you. So if you will, go listen to the video below...& I mean LISTEN :)